Baby, Baby

Ahhhhhhhh.....

We made it through the year.

We have been without you for a whole year, but you are still just as real in our hearts. Our love for you has not faded, has not been forgotten. Although I have missed your new baby smell, and the classic first birthday cake pictures ... you somehow have this imprint on my soul that I am confident will never leave me. So much of you has made me who I am, and your life continues to make me into who I am to be. I have learned so much by having you on the earth for a blink of an eye, and have grown so much by having to learn to let you go, and especially by reaching out to my Savior -- the One who holds you now -- the One that has held me this year, and the One that will hold us together someday. Actually, I know you're the lucky one. I bet you're having a celebration of a lifetime today.....and every day. I miss you so much!

Trying to be patient.....

-Mommy

Stacy Jean Is 2 Today!

My parents drove down all the way from Minnesota to come to Chuck E. Cheese's for Stacy's 2nd Birthday! I was so excited! This is classic:

Stacy and Me eating cake off the candles. :)

Daddy and DarinTiffany very excited about her tickets to put in the Ticket Muncher!
Aunt Wendy and Jerry came!

And Tessa and Christopher!And Cameron and Brenda and sweet girls!

I was so happy they all came out today and we got to hang out together. My brother wasn't able to make it, but we still adore him. :) Believe it or not, this is the first real party we have had for a birthday - we usually just hang out at home and have cake and ice cream with presents, then a bath, then bed.

I leaned over to Harry today and told him that this sure beats the c-section 2 years ago! She came out something like this:

Stacy cracks me up. She makes faces and eye contact that can crack me up in 0.5 seconds. :) I wouldn't trade her for anything!!! Even on her bad days! Love you Stacy!

Question of the Day

If you never comment on my blog, today is the day!

My hubby and I are in a bit of a debate. And it's so important that I thought I'd ask my bloggy friends:

???? What age, in your opinion, is Over The Hill ????

Brrrrr

It's not really news to say that it's cold out. I think we all know that. But seriously....this picture was taken inside my house - normally there is not too much draft in the kitchen. But today, we got this:






Cool, huh?





The little hinges on the door were white with frost, too. Nice. And I wonder why the girls are found in my bed in the morning. Queen sized bed - 4 people. Guess I can't blame them, though. My morning breath rocks.

Scrappin' Girls

So my amazing weekend is recorded here. A scrapbooking retreat that I really really really really wanted. And I was looking at not going - it wasn't exactly in the budget. And then my friend calls me and says my weekend has been taken care of and all I have to do is show up - because they just want me to go. A couple days later, my husband gets laid off from his job - making the $70 weekend out of the question without these two women.

These 2 wonderful ladies paid my weekend - I spent a total of $8.19. $4 on paper and $4.19 on a rare treat my hubby doesn't find much. 4 grams of trans fat per serving - these things are awesome. But SO not good for you. Aaaaanyway.....I got Andy's scrapbook DONE up to the point of his gravestone being placed in the cemetery. And I cried a lot. No, it was more like a ton. By Saturday afternoon, I wasn't even going to attempt to reapply make-up. And it was healing - amazingly healing. And the best part? I had two women who were there for me. There's not a whole lot of support in my bedroom at my craft desk upstairs after everyone has gone to sleep. I had friends to cry with, and pause with, and reflect with, and talk with, and laugh with.....at laugh at. :) And they helped me keep on keeping on. I took a couple breaks, but I accomplished what I went there to accomplish - and Jenni and Sarah made such a difference in my life by holding me up and encouraging me and being so giving by taking care of my cost, and by just being there with me. I love them both. so. so. much. Jenni doesn't have a blog....yet.....but Sarah does - so stop on by here and give her a little love. She has great reads. :)

And on the 4th day.....

Harry is home today for his 4th day in a row. He has this "sit and relax with me" way about him. So how could I argue?

and I haven't finished anything. We watched a couple movies. We are taking turns playing this. And we have planted ourselves on the couch. for 4 days. Tiffany is sick today - she has a bowl in hand, and eyes glued to the tv - on the couch. So I will pick up some lysol spray tonight, but until then - here we will sit. :)

For 4 days?!

Women of all tongue sizes....

I woke up early this morning, and came downstairs to READ A BOOK - I KNOW!!! Me, read a book....and as I thumbed through it, it turns out - I've actually finished this one before!! ;) "A Wife After God's Own Heart". So there is another tally mark for the rare "finished book" chart. Woo hoo!

It talks about the tongue. Evil little thing. A crabby, cranky, nagging, quarrelsome, complaining, ill-tempered wife is biblical. The Bad kind of biblical, though - ranks right up there with tax collectors. She writes "It not only drives a husband crazy, but it can also drive him away. To escape the constant drip, drip, drip of a wife's sour, negative words, a husband will choose to live in the attic, on the porch, on the rooftop, or even in the wilds. He would rather risk the elements, do without the shelter and comfort of home, even take his chances against the threat of wild animals than stay one more second in the presence of a belligerent wife." That's quite the power we have there, ladies!

(paraphrased from book)
My speech is to be:
**soft. A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
**sweet. Pleasant words promote instruction and understanding.
**suitable. kind, sweet words have a medicinal effect on both body and soul.
**scant. Sometimes the most skillful use of the tongue is keeping it still.
**slow. Listen much, speak little, and not become angry.

Proverbs 25:11 A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.

Merry Christmas to Me, who is Me anyway?

My Christmas gift came today: Amy Knapp's Christian Family Organizer.

I don't know what I would do without it!!! It came today FedEx. In the process of realizing the FedEx man was stuck in my driveway and needed a shovel, I understood how devoted this man was to bring me my beloved Organizer. So the first thing I did after he got unstuck, is rip open the package and see 2 organizers - the one I ordered AND the "Expecting" Family Organizer....ya, for pregnant women. I wonder if that was supposed to be a funny joke from God. I chuckled as if to say "in your dreams", and maybe he chuckled to say "if you only knew". Let's hope I was right. So I called to see if they wanted me to send it back, but if they don't want it back, do YOU know of anyone who just found out they are expecting??
Moving on...

weekly verse, calendar of before and after months at bottom, weekly grocery list with full-page perforated edge!, daily menu planner on the right, To Do List (very important), and a prayer list - everything you'd need in a planner, right? Love this thing!!! And as I was transferring birthdays into the new planner, I ran across "ANDY DIED" on January 28th, 2008 and got a little choked up as I skimmed what that week held (visitation and funeral arrangements), and glanced up at that weeks verse to the left which says "Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring forth." -Proverbs 27:1 NIV

And yes, I chuckled again. At the simple reminder of Andy -- that I am not actually in control. Control flairs up for me at Christmas time. I am in charge of buying, wrapping, writing, organizing (which Amy Knapp helps me do), and well.....managing. So -- balance all that with "I am not in control here". I get confused on this whole issue. In our INSTE study, we had a week that looked at "God is not pleased with self-sufficiency". And I've had to re-evaluate my control issue -- and really worked at balancing this problem I have.

Let me tell you a secret: I have a problem asking for help. With everything. Unless its my husband, that poor guy tolerates mountains of my help-needs and emotional issues. So...my point is...if I pride myself on "doing it all myself" and then I read "God is not pleased with self-sufficiency".... yes, that means change. And change means accepting "you do not know what a day may bring forth".... and changing in being prideful about how much I don't need God - because I just bet that makes Him cringe. How does one go from being "in control of the decisions of my life" to "Letting God be in complete control". And how to approach that change without a "demoted" attitude? That's a whole lotta change for one person. ESPECIALLY when it's Christmas, and I should be open to guidance to shine the light of Jesus - because that's what Christmas is about!!!

I probably should have thought that out a little more before I typed all that. :)

Merry Christmas to you and your families!!! I wish you a self-controlless Christmas! :)

This is LOVE

This is me and my 2 sisters on vacation last summer. I LOVE THEM!!!!!

I love that I can call them my closest friends. Comfortable. :) Now, although we try not to make a habit out of being weird about being close, we can share a bathroom, tell each other when something is in our teeth, fix each other's make-up, give kisses to each other's children, and let each other in on the embarassing things that no one else would tell us about. I love my sisters.

VERY IMPORTANT: if you see the sister in the middle, "WENDY", give her a hug! She has a phobia. Please help her. And if you see the one on the right, "BRENDA", tell her how beautiful she is! She is in denial. And if you see me, ask me to make you a plate of cookies. I learned from my ever-so-talented Mommy. My beautiful mommy that taught me everything she knows. :)

Andy's Birthday

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANDY!

The last few weeks have been so emotional - then today came - and it went great! Bittersweet, that's for sure - but comforting. Harry took the day off today. We played in the snow a little, took a bath and nap, picked up some balloons, then went to the cemetery. My parents purchased one of these candles (pictured below) for Andy's birthday. You light the candle that goes inside the blue holder, put the lid on, and it will burn for 7 days. So we lit it again today, the 19th, and it will burn until Christmas. At night time, the flame looks red with glowing blue around it - it is beautiful. A light in the darkness. Very visible from the road. We love it!

And a beautiful wreath with butterflies from Aunt Wendy's family.

The girls both shouted out when they saw the ELMO balloon at the store, so that was the obvious choice for a first birthday party. :)

We each got our own balloon, and yelled up to Andy as we sent them off. "Say HI to Jesus for us!" "Happy Birthday" "We miss you!" "Have fun with your Elmo balloon!" "Love You"

then we brought the girls to amazing people....perhaps angels.... for a few hours. Harry and I went out to eat, stopped at a couple stores, and just got a chance to relax and spend some time together - something we've really needed! Then picked the very happy girls up and went home to have Andy's blue jello cake. We had to sing REALLY LOUD to make sure he heard us. And big sisters always help blow out the first candle.

This next one is a for you - a video: Stacy got to "cough" the candle out this time. :)

We sure do miss you, little guy.

Held

I was talking to my sister last week and she was wondering how I look so strong on the outside, because inside it must be killing me. I love her. And as I was driving home, I was praying for the chance to explain it the best way I could - and the song "Held" came on. I, for the first time, started really listening to the words. Then came the lightbulb in my head. Thank you, Lord. Instantly answered prayer - why can't they all be this easy? "We survive."

And his birthday next week........so held. "We will survive."

I unpacked a Christmas box filled with ornaments, and found a couple "baby's first Christmas" ornaments ready to be hung on the tree. I had packed it last year in January while Andy was still alive. And I dug a little more and found two little onesies 3-6 month size. "And to know that the promise was when everything fell we'd be held."

Go Here and listen if you have a minute today.

Prayertime

Daddy prayed at supper tonight, and Stacy followed right along. It went something like this:

Lord, thank you for this food....
(echo) Food...

and please bless it to our bodies....
(echo) o potty...

I love life's smiles. Especially the unexpected ones.

Andy

Been thinking lately...

Next month Andy would have been one year old. He most likely would have been walking by now. Would be taking plenty of abuse from his bully sisters, and been able to eat table food with us. He would have been able to hold his own, I'm sure.

I still cry.

You know, I had 3 babies in the hospital, and with each one, I read those SIDS pamphlets - "studies show.....laying babies on their backs are less likely to die of SIDS". And, I always tossed it aside like I was exempt. Saying to myself "oh, that wouldn't apply to me. I love babies. and mommies who love their babies - and LIKE their babies ....well, it just wouldn't apply. Look how healthy he is. Why do they even give these pamphlets out? I suppose it would apply to SOMEONE, though. By the time Andy was born, I had laid both my girls on their bellies with pillows sometimes, and they were just fine". I still hear that from people so much. Which is one reason why I hesitate to write this today. Because - In my head, I understand that the guilt I carry from Andy's death is wrong. And i still can't let go of it. It's become something I have to ask God to keep taking - daily. Somehow, I manage to snatch it back from Him - daily. This was the last picture I took of him alive:




And this was the next one on my camera:

I can still smell the funeral home. A bit like men's cologne. How did this seemingly perfect-packaged life we had get so tangled in a few short minutes? Andy died. I have yet to say that out lout, believe it or not. Call that lack of acceptance, I guess.

*How many kids do you have?
*How old are your kids?
*Any boys?
*Wow, you have your hands full.
*About time for another one?
And with each of these questions and comments I get from strangers, I have to pause and remember that it's wrong to punch in the face. Obviously, they just wouldn't have any way of knowing... I feel a blow to the heart, but most of the time I just smile. And it's about that time when I hear a baby cry in Wal-Mart as another mom is yelling at her children to be quiet and I think to myself "if she only knew what the silence was like...."


and I cry.


I still have visions and nighmares about my girls dying. And the possibility of that happening....blah, blah, blah. Reason has not worked very deep in my heart yet, although it has tried taking over in my head. AND I REALIZE:

The condition in my heart is going to overpower anything I have going on in my head. I will come back to blogging some day.

Free Starbucks

Ok, so normally I will put things like this on my Save a Buck blog, but it was too good to not share at this one, first since the other blog is new. Go here to print your coupon for a free tall-sized latte, cappuccino, espresso, freshly-brewed coffee, or hot tea (up to $3.20 in value). The coupon expires October 31, 2008. Good at Barnes and Noble Starbucks. Go, go! Thanks, BeCentsAble!

Distracted......and walnuts!

So I really am here....just occupied.
Set up a couple new things this week.

#1: SAVE A BUCK blog
This is my saving money blog, cuz I'm all about that. And I need a place to keep track!

#2: A Shutterfly Page
In Progress!!!

But I will post about walnuts today, anyway. We decided to gather them up this year and really USE them, cuz they are just sitting there.....free! And I like free food. So it started out with rubber gloves and this:

then Farmer Ray came up and showed us this, which cut the time on this process to a small fraction of the picture above:



I wonder if my kids will become mud if they stay in it too long....

I GOT ONE! And...6 Randoms.

A little absent, I know!

Sarah and Life in the Parsonage passed this award onto me for THIS post! And I am so excited!!!



Thank you Sarah!!! And the first post that came to mind (when i realized I probably couldn't hang on to my first blogging award ever!) was Mel's ....well go HERE and read it. So congrats Mel!

And I am posting a meme today!
Here are the rules.....
1. Post the rules on your blog
2. Write 6 random things about yourself
3. Tag 6 people at the end of your post
4. If you are tagged, just do it, and pass the tag along!!

1. Heth posted this and I thought I'd put in my two cents.
The dentist....I fell asleep once....or maybe a lot more than once....the root canal a month or so ago was GREAT because they put that blanket around the tooth and around your mouth, so all you have to do is lay there and breathe through your nose.... and they aren't shoving anything else in your mouth.... or down your throat. Or that nasty orange/cherry/mint trays of goop that you have to gag on and try to suck out with that sucker-tool-thing.....Can. I. Rinse. Now. Please.

2. Thinking cheap, oh wait - not cheap - FRUGAL Christmas gifts. So, we have zipper pulls - I bought charms at Hobby Lobby for half off and some beads. And, I thought of sewing those I-Spy bags (with rice and other goofy things in it). There is a plastic window in the front, and you move the rice around to find the other items in the bag - good car toy. And we still have that fake leg out in the garage as a gag gift.....I wonder who I could give that to.

3. My daughter fell asleep tonight as we were rubbing noses. :) I laid down next to her and cuddle. And she says "I yuv you" and I say "I love you more" and she says "Yuv you most" and I say "I love you most most" and she says "Yuv you best best". And I play with her hair or sing her the fu-fine (You are my sunshine) song. She's a cuddle girl.

4. I carry a hunter's safety card in my wallet. Now, my dad and brother hunt for deer mostly. And my 2 sisters love the hunting of the deer as well. Now me? I like the process of, but not a big fan of "after the kill". They have this rule - you gut your own deer. Now. Seriously. THAT is the man's job. And what's the deal with paying an arm and a leg to process the meat? And why don't they have deer season when it is 70 degrees outside. My 3rd toe on my right foot froze off 2 years ago sitting in the woods waiting for a deer to walk by. My dad was amuzing, though - I would sit out in the woods with him again and just spend some time with him. BUT....first week of December is , ah, how you say, COLD. So my dad and all my siblings go hunting, and my mom and I take all the kids to one house and make Christmas cookies with them all. Avoidance of smelly deer insides and frozen toes? And the runny nose you get in the cold that your huge gloves can't grip so you just wipe it on your sleeves? We. Win.

5. I start too many projects at once. And don't finish them. I was doing a bible study and we were supposed to list the books we have enjoyed to read. So I thought.... And. Thought. And. Realized.... I'm not sure I've ever finished one. And in turn, realized that......I bet I know where all my bookmarks are. Have you tried looking on the bookshelf inside the books? No, didn't think of that.

6. I am a first degree black belt in TaeKwondo. I used to break boards like I now break plastic forks. I am SuperWoman! But do you think I could get all the ice cubes out of the tray and into my cup? No. Biggest loser - right here. Side note: husband was a wrestler - it's a pretty good match, but I "let" him win. every. time.

I tag anyone who needs a post idea. :)

Turn out.

H:
Subtotal: $43.58
NOTE: I DID buy colored marshmallows for .77that was not on my list - to distract the kids from running up and down the isles. Bribery. Thanks, Heth.
4 Store Coupons: $2.91
11 Vendor Coupons: $9.80
Balance Due $30.87

F:
Subtotal: $17.27
Vendor Coupons: $8.60
Balance Due: $8.67

$21.31 in coupons - I like that better.
That's a thirty percent off deal on groceries, I guess.

Coupons

So, I've been trying to be frugal. Grocery prices are gut-wrenching. And I thought I would share with you my grocery list today - aren't you special? I love looking at the ads for awesomely low prices, and then adding coupons to it. Nothing is free this week but we have 25 cent veggies. :) Now, we have 2 local grocery stores that I am shopping at this week. One is F and the other is H.

At F:
Hamburger Helper .99
save .80/three here

Grapes .99/lb.

Betty Crocker Specialty Potatoes $1
Save .40 on one here
=.60 each

Progresso soup 3/$4
Save $1.10/three here
= .83 each (that was head math...lol, may be wrong)

Pillsbury Crescent and sweet rolls $1.50
Save $1/1, but I can't find it back to link you. :)
=.50 each

Green Giant Valley Fresh Steamers 4/$5
Save $1/1 here
= .25 each!!!

And At H:
Banquet Meals for Hubby .90
save .50/6 coupon from package
=4.90/6....., right? I so need a calcuboomer

HJ Pancake Mix 1.58

Store Coupons
.99 for 6 ct. applesauce (fits great in diaper bag)
.77 for 16 oz. Sour Cream
.88 for powdered or brown sugar

Cheerios $2
save $1/1 here, may be by e-mail
and perhaps general mills save 1.50/3 cereal from insert
=.50 per box

Oreos for Harry $2.50

Coffee-Mate Creamer 32 oz. 2.99, gotta have it
Save $1/1 here

Green Giant Vegetables (box) $1.25
Save $1/2 here
=.75 each

Pizza Rolls (for easy lunches for girls) $2.90
Save $1/1 here

Chex Mix (for craft night) $1.00
Save .60/1 here
=.40 per bag

There you have it. I'll let you know how it turns out.

I am becoming a coupon-holic. Go here or here or here or here to get a start. You may have to SIGN UP or something, but it is completely worth it - try setting up a new e-mail account if you are worried about junk mail problems and use it for coupons/promotions only. :) And don't freak out if you have to download some kind of coupon converter deal - it takes about 30 seconds and doesn't even bug down your computer. Anyone bitin'?

Tunes from my home to yours!

Linda is hosting a camera party! :) But, you get music instead, and not just any music.....but KIDS music!

So I started with this Barney song.......and then REALIZED.....

That you really NEEDED this, at your request of course:

Messy Heart

As I step over the toys and walk by the piles of laundry, I often wonder how and why this mess keeps on showing its face. “Didn’t I clean that up already A MINUTE AGO? And almost every day, I think about boxing it all up to the attic! Taking care of it once and for all!

The same is true for the mess in my heart. A section or two of my heart is called “under the bed, covered by bedskirt” and “stuffed in the closet and close the door”. In these places, my heart is still be a mess, but no one can see my hidden disaster with the plastic smile I have learned to wear so well. These hiding places perfectly fit unforgiveness, judgments, addictions, gossip, hurts, fears, etc.

Would you like to know a great thing about God? (You say, me! me! Pick me!) He created us as INDIVIDUALS. We aren’t supposed to be a bunch of cherries mixed up in a cherry pie - tasting all the same. We are more like a chicken pot pie. You may be the carrot, I am so the chicken. So often I look at other women and think “I wish I had that quality” or “they do that so much better than I ever could” or “she always looks so beautiful and put together”. And I find myself on a lower level as them. That I am not as important because, seriously, what does someone like me have to offer? And look at them - they are so…….so……..Christian!

Christian? We are not supposed to be the same! We aren’t all supposed to have a gift for baking, or keeping our house spotless, and we don’t have to long for the patience THAT woman has. Because we are who we are - and God DELIGHTS in that! It is difficult to let Him at times, that’s for sure. Our doubts and fears about ourselves take over, but He whispers “Come to me. Simply come. Just as you are.”