Tuesday, November 11, 2008


Been thinking lately...

Next month Andy would have been one year old. He most likely would have been walking by now. Would be taking plenty of abuse from his bully sisters, and been able to eat table food with us. He would have been able to hold his own, I'm sure.

I still cry.

You know, I had 3 babies in the hospital, and with each one, I read those SIDS pamphlets - "studies show.....laying babies on their backs are less likely to die of SIDS". And, I always tossed it aside like I was exempt. Saying to myself "oh, that wouldn't apply to me. I love babies. and mommies who love their babies - and LIKE their babies ....well, it just wouldn't apply. Look how healthy he is. Why do they even give these pamphlets out? I suppose it would apply to SOMEONE, though. By the time Andy was born, I had laid both my girls on their bellies with pillows sometimes, and they were just fine". I still hear that from people so much. Which is one reason why I hesitate to write this today. Because - In my head, I understand that the guilt I carry from Andy's death is wrong. And i still can't let go of it. It's become something I have to ask God to keep taking - daily. Somehow, I manage to snatch it back from Him - daily. This was the last picture I took of him alive:

And this was the next one on my camera:

I can still smell the funeral home. A bit like men's cologne. How did this seemingly perfect-packaged life we had get so tangled in a few short minutes? Andy died. I have yet to say that out lout, believe it or not. Call that lack of acceptance, I guess.

*How many kids do you have?
*How old are your kids?
*Any boys?
*Wow, you have your hands full.
*About time for another one?
And with each of these questions and comments I get from strangers, I have to pause and remember that it's wrong to punch in the face. Obviously, they just wouldn't have any way of knowing... I feel a blow to the heart, but most of the time I just smile. And it's about that time when I hear a baby cry in Wal-Mart as another mom is yelling at her children to be quiet and I think to myself "if she only knew what the silence was like...."

and I cry.

I still have visions and nighmares about my girls dying. And the possibility of that happening....blah, blah, blah. Reason has not worked very deep in my heart yet, although it has tried taking over in my head. AND I REALIZE:

The condition in my heart is going to overpower anything I have going on in my head. I will come back to blogging some day.