Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Andy

Been thinking lately...

Next month Andy would have been one year old. He most likely would have been walking by now. Would be taking plenty of abuse from his bully sisters, and been able to eat table food with us. He would have been able to hold his own, I'm sure.

I still cry.

You know, I had 3 babies in the hospital, and with each one, I read those SIDS pamphlets - "studies show.....laying babies on their backs are less likely to die of SIDS". And, I always tossed it aside like I was exempt. Saying to myself "oh, that wouldn't apply to me. I love babies. and mommies who love their babies - and LIKE their babies ....well, it just wouldn't apply. Look how healthy he is. Why do they even give these pamphlets out? I suppose it would apply to SOMEONE, though. By the time Andy was born, I had laid both my girls on their bellies with pillows sometimes, and they were just fine". I still hear that from people so much. Which is one reason why I hesitate to write this today. Because - In my head, I understand that the guilt I carry from Andy's death is wrong. And i still can't let go of it. It's become something I have to ask God to keep taking - daily. Somehow, I manage to snatch it back from Him - daily. This was the last picture I took of him alive:




And this was the next one on my camera:

I can still smell the funeral home. A bit like men's cologne. How did this seemingly perfect-packaged life we had get so tangled in a few short minutes? Andy died. I have yet to say that out lout, believe it or not. Call that lack of acceptance, I guess.

*How many kids do you have?
*How old are your kids?
*Any boys?
*Wow, you have your hands full.
*About time for another one?
And with each of these questions and comments I get from strangers, I have to pause and remember that it's wrong to punch in the face. Obviously, they just wouldn't have any way of knowing... I feel a blow to the heart, but most of the time I just smile. And it's about that time when I hear a baby cry in Wal-Mart as another mom is yelling at her children to be quiet and I think to myself "if she only knew what the silence was like...."


and I cry.


I still have visions and nighmares about my girls dying. And the possibility of that happening....blah, blah, blah. Reason has not worked very deep in my heart yet, although it has tried taking over in my head. AND I REALIZE:

The condition in my heart is going to overpower anything I have going on in my head. I will come back to blogging some day.

14 comments:

Chris @ Come to the Table said...

Amie,
I don't want to pretend that I know what you feel, that would be wrong, but every week when I see you I often wonder and I am tempted to ask, but I don't and maybe I should. But please know that I pray for you and think of how much you must miss Andy.

Your words are so powerful, "if she only knew what the silence was like..." Every mom needs to read this.

p.s. It was so fun to see Stacey smile at me this morning. Love, love, love those girls.

melanie said...

Amie,
Andy was a beautiful little guy and he had such a wonderful mommy.
I will never forget the joy in your eyes as you anicipated him when we hauled cases upstairs at the diner. And I can not wait, can not wait, to see you again when the King has restored this brokeness that we are in.

My heart breaks for you, do you think Craig could give him a ride on a four wheeler.. breaking him into all the boy stuff until his daddy can? I love you.

ann said...

I'm praying for you Amie. I'm so sorry. My heart goes out to you.

MommyCorbie said...

I often wonder while holding Kayla what Andy would be doing at this age. Would he be saying "mama" and taking toys back from his sisters? Would he be ready for that chocolate birthday cake when he could smash it all over his hands and face? What would he be getting for his first birthday?

Now I have wonder about things like, how much will his sisters remember? When they see his pictures what will they think? What are the days and moments that will make you miss him the most? What can I do to help you honor his memory? So many things as an outsider looking in. And, the biggest question of all, WHY?

Do you think that by saying "he died" it would make everything so real? I'm sure the words will never be acceptable, and no one can blame you for not saying the words you don't want to hear!

No one can take your pain and guilt away (unless you give it back to God for good). We surely don't have control over when our loved ones see the pearly gates, but I have to believe you know in your heart that his time was here, no matter how it would have happened. I know you found him that morning, and I know that you feel there was something you could have done. I don't believe it. I feel God was going to take him anyway, and I'm sorry that you have to be the one to bear the guilt from that. If God was going to take him at that very moment, I'm thankful that he went peacefully.

Reading your blog crushes my heart as the tears start rolling, but I hope you know that I/we will always be there. There is not one of us that wouldn't listen to anything you want to say about Andy! I welcome the words. I only wish we were asking about him in the present tense instead of the past! I am thankful you have this blog, as it may be the only way to truly express yourself some days.

I love ya, sis!

Angela said...

I am so sorry for your pain. When I pray for you, I ask God to meet you there. To keep you going each day. To hold you so close that you can feel His breath. I was thinking of you yesterday and of Andy's upcoming birthday. I wish I could take your pain today. I know someone who can. I pray that He will. I love you.

Anonymous said...

Words are not my strength...but: I know that I am blessed to have you in my life and in Cat's life. I am blessed that you are there for me, WHENEVER, and I hope and pray that I am there for you too! I get the "all is good" feeling when I drop her off with you and she gets that HUGE smile on her face. She is soo happy to be there, she is happy to see you. She wants PEARS! (not)She wants an IPOD. (not) She wants to play with those beautiful girls. She wants to be loved and that is what she gets. You are an awesome mom, and friend. I envy you, and Love You very very much!
Christi

Diana said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. May the God of all comfort continually manifest His grace and presence to you and your family.

Judy said...

Amie,
May our Lord bless your days. May you be so unbelievably close to His presence that you can just feel His arms around you. May you find hope in knowing where your sweet boy is, and in the love of our heavenly Father. You are loved, so loved, and even though there is no way we can possibly understand the pain from your perspective, we grieve with you.

Sarah@Life in the Parsonage said...

Keep writing Amie...about Andy, about your pain...all of it.

Praying Jesus continues to carry you through.

Beth said...

this is such a powerful post. thank you so much for sharing, for opening your heart and giving us a window into your world. May God strengthen comfort and hold you in His gentle and loving arms.

Heth said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Heth said...

Amie,

I don't know what to say, I have no words. Thank you for being honest about how you feel. I'm praying for you.

jenni said...

I can hardly read what I'm writing. The tears are in the way. You have never left my prayers. I'll always go to coffee with you anytime you want. Love you!

Wife to the Rockstar said...

Your words are so raw and yet so beautiful. I am crying reading them. I truly cannot fathom your pain....