Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Sleepy Head

I have been struggling with sleep. There. I said it.
Scenario 1: I have too much to do during the day that by the time night comes, I feel like sitting at my craft desk to have some down time - or putzing around the house putting it in somewhat of an order. Some Amie time. Recompose myself and think about the day and what tomorrow's day will bring. the problem with this is that I feel a little sleepy and finally look at the clock and it says something like 2:38 am. And I think Oh! Harry will be up in 2 1/2 hours. I better go to bed. The kids will be up in 4 1/2 hours. then when I wake up I am reminded of the morning Andy died and opening my eyes and seeing him already gone. Hear a child awake and I think "oh no - what did I miss?"

Scenario 2: I decide to go to bed on time (10). But I lay in bed and twiddle my thumbs, pick on Harry, or count all the shiny mirror things scattered on my ceiling. Usually end up crying. This is the perfect condition to lay in bed and think about "my feelings". Ugh. I, quite honestly, try to stay busy enough that this won't happen. Most often I think about Andy. What I should have/could have done. But where he is. And how hard some days are. Women's emotions + Sleeping husband = trouble.

I have been waking up with Harry for 2 whole days, and I can actually see a progress in my house! But sometimes, I long for sleep. A good night's sleep with no crying. No having to hold back emotions. No nightmares. No helpless feeling when I open my eyes in the morning. Then I read this today.

Proverbs 20:13 Do not love sleep or you will grow poor;
stay awake and you will have food to spare.

And you know how I like food to spare. that means more cooking and baking. and you can't beat that.


Sarah@Life in the Parsonage said...

Amie, I have no idea how you manage to function on such little sleep!

I wish I had words that would help take the pain away so that the rest would come. I have none...

Praying you feel His overwhelming comfort and peace and rest over you today in this journey.

"Women's emotions + sleeping husband=trouble" love that :)

melanie said...

Amie, I love your transparency. Even though it rips my heart out. I can not wait to see you hold your little guy and dance in the streets before your king. What a day my friend.

Tami said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog. You asked me where I live. I am in South Carolina. But ironically, my husband is from Mt. Ayr, Iowa. His parents still live there and we visit once a year. It has been a little less since we have 4 kids and it is so expensive to travel there. But anyway, can't wait to get to know you better. I'm sorry about your baby. I read your post with big tears rolling down my face. I can't imagine what you are going through but I will pray for you to have peace and rest.

Anonymous said...

Just wanted to tell you that I love you... and I love the great/funny emails that I get from you at 3:30am. I can not wait to walk for Andy tomorrow. Makes me cry just thinking about it. Man... Women's emotions+Amies Blog= crying every time. Need to stop reading it at work. AHHHH Kleenex please!
p.s. bring on the mini skirts! :)

Heth said...

Thank you for being so honest. I'm praying for you sweetie. Love you.

ann said...

Oh my heart goes out to you.

Shelley said...

Thank you for visiting my blog yesterday. I love your candor. One of my very dear friends lost her first child to SIDS and I admire her for her strength and candor as I do you. I'll hopefully leave you with a smile. I have to say that sometimes I lose sleep worrying...lying next to a sleeping husband. Of course, I can invent things to worry about. The other day we did have a good laugh as my husband awoke to find me wide awake staring at the ceiling...about 2am. He sighed and asked what I was worrying about now. We laughed so hard because I told him I was worried because I couldn't think of one thing to worry about right then! It's so hard to not leave God in charge and my worries at his feet.