Baby

Can't sleep. I am missing Andy. I designed a photo sheet to put in my mug today and picked out a picture of Andy and thought "wow, is that really what he looked like?" The SIDS walk is coming up and has stirred up emotions I thought were not coming back. I know grieving is different for everyone, and this is "normal". But sitting on my couch tonight at 11 crying uncontrollably doesn't feel very normal. I can't even remember what he looks like. Or smells like. or sounds like. or feels like. or squirms like. or squeaks like. I feel like my own memory of my own baby is slipping away without a fight from me. To keep on living without him requires that I push on, but taking his memory with me has been a confusing thing.

Which am I to remember?

I can tell you what the funeral home smelled like, but not my living baby. I can tell you which funeral cards touched me the most, but not his birth cards. I can tell you who was there for the visitation, and not the days of his life. I have learned what it is to "cling" to God, searching for comfort. And I found it. And I won't let it go. Ever. Now I'm left with do I cling to his memory? Any mother would say "of course!" Except the ones who know it hurts. Bad. That's me on a certain level. Not that I want the "out of sight, out of mind" mentality because he was MY BABY. He is home with the Lord now, not mine anymore. Maybe I'm secretly afraid of making Andy a false idol. Bow down at the Andy shrine or leave it and run to God? But, I don't want to forget either, and I am allowing it. Finding a happy medium seems impossible sometimes. Especially tonight.