Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Baby

Can't sleep. I am missing Andy. I designed a photo sheet to put in my mug today and picked out a picture of Andy and thought "wow, is that really what he looked like?" The SIDS walk is coming up and has stirred up emotions I thought were not coming back. I know grieving is different for everyone, and this is "normal". But sitting on my couch tonight at 11 crying uncontrollably doesn't feel very normal. I can't even remember what he looks like. Or smells like. or sounds like. or feels like. or squirms like. or squeaks like. I feel like my own memory of my own baby is slipping away without a fight from me. To keep on living without him requires that I push on, but taking his memory with me has been a confusing thing.


Which am I to remember?


I can tell you what the funeral home smelled like, but not my living baby. I can tell you which funeral cards touched me the most, but not his birth cards. I can tell you who was there for the visitation, and not the days of his life. I have learned what it is to "cling" to God, searching for comfort. And I found it. And I won't let it go. Ever. Now I'm left with do I cling to his memory? Any mother would say "of course!" Except the ones who know it hurts. Bad. That's me on a certain level. Not that I want the "out of sight, out of mind" mentality because he was MY BABY. He is home with the Lord now, not mine anymore. Maybe I'm secretly afraid of making Andy a false idol. Bow down at the Andy shrine or leave it and run to God? But, I don't want to forget either, and I am allowing it. Finding a happy medium seems impossible sometimes. Especially tonight.

11 comments:

Beth@playinwiththepaulsens! said...

amy, I am praying for you today. thank you for sharing these moments. you are ministering to us at the same time that your are grieving and growing.
This is an amazing post.
thank you.
praying that you feel His arms wrapped tight around you today.

mel said...

aw.. sweetie, he was such a beautiful little man.. thank you for sharing your heart and little guy with us. im so sorry for your hurt..
i pray that you can feel Abba today.. love ya.

jenni said...

Oh my beautiful friend know that I love you and pray for you.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for your hurt Amie. I love you and Andy and I pray that God does keep you close today. Ya know, I tried to count the days I saw him too, after reading this, and I have forgotten the number of times but a memory that remains so vivid and will never be forgotten...is you and he, as you kissed his perfectly shaped head and snuggled his warm body and admired his beautiful fingers, the girls running full of energy around you both, there was a calm and a peace and a great joy that he brought you that to this day is indescribable! What a gift he was to you, a gift that will be with you always, no matter how many people stopped to visit. You amaze me Amie, you do have such a way of showing God's love through your writing. Thank you for sharing him and your feelings and know that we will continue to love you and Andy always. Me

Tina said...

I love you Amie.

ann said...

I wish I had the right words, but I am praying for you too, Amie.

Heth said...

Amie- Thank you for being transparent. I'm so sorry you are hurting, I love you!

Angela said...

I pray His healing oil will wash over you and bring peace in this crazy, upside-down world. I love you, beautiful friend.

Chrysanthemama said...

I'm praying for you.

Stacy said...

You are a strong woman. So sad to hear about your loss. :O( I truly believe that you will see him again someday. *Prayers for your healing*

Wife to the Rockstar said...

Blessing sweet Mother. I am so sorry .