Clean?

As I clean out the laundry room that is a good year and a half overdue:

Me: Tiff, we're gonna have this cleaned out today! Yay!
Tiff: Who's coming over?

Point taken. Point taken.

Vacation and SIDS walk.

We went on two vacations all in one week. First was Navoo, IL with Harry's family.

Here we go. Now THIS is vacation:

Goofing off.

This is Tiffany holding her 3rd (?) cousin, Micah. He is 7 weeks and perfect. :)

A fudge shop downtown offered chocolate covered marshmallows with sprinkles (Tiffany calls them sparkles.

Hanging out at the campfire with my awesome neice, Tessa. She cracks me up.

Kids on the beach, making sand art.

Darin tubing - my brother drove the boat. I told Darin if he could stay on without wiping out I would give him 10 bucks, and told my brother that if he could make him tip over, I'd give him 10 bucks. My brother won - we had a good time with it. :)

Ahh, and then the donuts. They make these on ever Wednesday night there, and they are heavenly. Fresh donuts over a fire, dipped in sugar. Yum-o.

Classic Family photo.
Then came home to meet Darin's new teacher in a new school. Exciting! This is his first day of school. He is signed up for football, which he's pumped about. Practice starts next week. He says all the kids are nice there.
We went on the SIDS walk this weekend. Here is my family by Andy's sign along the trail. Picture taken by my faithful friend, Christi. Everyone was so great! It was a bittersweet day. The balloon release was again, so powerful. I just kept thinking about all those people that found their baby no longer breathing......

We will find out this week how much was raised for SIDS research and awareness.

And I leave you with this: Guess which was NOT supposed to be part of the art project?

Baby

Can't sleep. I am missing Andy. I designed a photo sheet to put in my mug today and picked out a picture of Andy and thought "wow, is that really what he looked like?" The SIDS walk is coming up and has stirred up emotions I thought were not coming back. I know grieving is different for everyone, and this is "normal". But sitting on my couch tonight at 11 crying uncontrollably doesn't feel very normal. I can't even remember what he looks like. Or smells like. or sounds like. or feels like. or squirms like. or squeaks like. I feel like my own memory of my own baby is slipping away without a fight from me. To keep on living without him requires that I push on, but taking his memory with me has been a confusing thing.

Which am I to remember?

I can tell you what the funeral home smelled like, but not my living baby. I can tell you which funeral cards touched me the most, but not his birth cards. I can tell you who was there for the visitation, and not the days of his life. I have learned what it is to "cling" to God, searching for comfort. And I found it. And I won't let it go. Ever. Now I'm left with do I cling to his memory? Any mother would say "of course!" Except the ones who know it hurts. Bad. That's me on a certain level. Not that I want the "out of sight, out of mind" mentality because he was MY BABY. He is home with the Lord now, not mine anymore. Maybe I'm secretly afraid of making Andy a false idol. Bow down at the Andy shrine or leave it and run to God? But, I don't want to forget either, and I am allowing it. Finding a happy medium seems impossible sometimes. Especially tonight.