I want to share with you an e-mail I wrote last night. I thought of anything else to blog about today, but this is all that's on my heart. So here it is.
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Do you REMEMBER when everything just made sense all of a sudden with me and my life was transformed and my nose was in that bible every spare minute? I remember VERY WELL a few times that you asked me about becoming luke-warm in the Lord. That an "experienced Christian" knows what to do and say, and the passion fades. A few months ago, I had finally decided how big God was - and in my box he sat. Then Andy - out of nowhere our lives AND that pointless little box were shattered. And I found myself clinging to Him again. But, I will tell you this - I fear my routine, and I fear that box being glued back together for Him to sit in. I fear. That is the LAST place I want to be again, and I sit here and cry now as I read this because I am already beginning to tell Him how big He really is. What. Is. My. Problem?
Stir it up in my heart, a passion for Your name. This is no longer a "dry spell". It is my problem. Trying to honor God in dirty diapers and dishes, gardening and Windex, Barney books and responsibilities. I guess my question is, how do I get that passion I so vividly remember from 2002? Journaling and reading The Book have a way of keeping my heart "interested", but. I. want. fire!
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There are quirks in each of us, which make us usable in a unique way to God.
4 comments:
I can so relate to this, it makes me sob. I've been in that place...so many times telling God how big He is.
Pray for that fire...He'll knock your socks off :)
Thanks so much for sharing this.
I can relate so much too. Gol, I love yah.
Ok, you know a statistics map, how they go up and down and stuff. Well, most people think about our growth in Jesus as a steady incline. But really it is all over the map, jagged. And we think of the high points being good stuff, a passionate time. But instead of highs and lows, what if we used words like resting, listening, waiting, starting, celebrating, learning, growing, etc. i.e. maybe success has a less value than failure, and desperate more than strong.
This is from something I've been reading and it hit me. During the Des Moines situation, I felt as far from God than ever before. But in actuality it would be a high on my chart. Yet it ripped my heart out. Just like dragging my feet though unknown fields that never ended, waiting.
I realized that God is a mystery in so many ways and that's ok, but we try to understand, try to box in, but He won't fit. Just as He can't contain how much He adores you. You are amazing.
Let me guess, Scorpio? Fire? Passion? Each and everyday you are doing the tasks that God has assigned to you. But, you are missing the face of God in the bubbles in the dishsoap, His frangrance in the apple blossoms, the taste of sweetness in every pear and grape, the softness in the thick green grass, and the warmth in the hugs from your little girls! Know that God always walks beside you in your daily tasks, but may be silent while he is focusing on tornado victims and others that need him desperately today. Don't ever stop thirsting, but remember patience, little one. Take a deep breath and absorb all His blessings today.
Love ya and miss you!
MOM
You have the heart. Keep seeking and He WILL be found! I am right with you; I ask God every day to show me more of Himself. I need Him!
Thanks for sharing your transparency. I see myself in it, too. Love you.
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